Discontent

I have been in the Army for almost six years and this is the first time I have been deployed. When I first got my orders, my attitude was pretty much, “whatever, it’s time to go.” I took an oath and now it’s my turn. Up to that point, I was focusing on my post graduate career and trying to balance a long distance relationship, unsuccessfully. Once the orders came, my “personal clock” kind of stopped and from then on out, every breath I took was supported by a feeling of urgency and importance. My smiles a bit shorter and laughs a little quieter. It wasn’t because I was afraid or upset in anyway, it was because I was becoming focused.

On the front end, the attention I had applied to my career filtered a bit. My bar time was earlier. I took longer walks with my dog and began working out a bit harder. As childish as it is, I even started to watch war movies. On the back end, the priorities in my life and things I had neglected, now were coming to the surface. This was all part of my coping process, to find piece and satisfaction with where I was and prepare for the future I would have. It was an important and methodical transition for me. To prepare for anything.

I spent the entire summer training for convoy operations, force security and weapons, among other things. We never knew from day to day were we would be stationed or what our mission would be. It got to the point that no one in our company ever asked that question. It was mute, always changing and never known. If any friends or family of mine had ever asked that question, it would take me by surprise because it just wasn’t a something I was consciously aware of. Where am I going, what will I do? It was all wake up and train.

That was up until about two months ago, when we hit “boots on the ground.” I ended up in Kuwait, and as of yet, I haven’t left this country. My mission and the purpose I serve, isn’t really anything to speak of. I try to tell myself, that I should feel lucky. That in the Army, you are not allowed to choose your missions, that everything is inclusive and therefore important.

Well fuck all of that. I just can’t convince myself of that train of thought. Not for the expectations I have or the way I prepared myself. This won’t cut it. I have been trying to volunteer for new missions, but those opportunities (from were I am) are scarce. My LT keeps saying how he needs me where I am. Even goes so far as to say that my ambition is offensive to him as an officer, something like not wanting serve with him or whatever. Alright, as touching as that is, Sir, it doesn’t mean anything to me. This is not what I trained for or how I want to serve.

On the bright side I have only been here a couple months, so hopefully I will figure out a way to change my role.

I haven’t been in Iraq, and for any readers of this blog, who were looking for a glimpse of that environment, you should check out Chairborne Stranger it’s a good site, well written and provocative.

~Rolligun