Finding a means to a loss

Is there ever a certain person that you think about whenever you want to forget about someone else? I have a girl like that. I was thinking back about some of the girls I’ve either dated or strongly desired and how while sometimes it was probably a good thing that the attraction or the relationship ended; there were other times where I wished it hadn’t.

Whoops, I may have fucked that one up.

Every now and then you meet someone and relish in the stages of infatuation. Your mind and your body just seem to change chemical structure and you run wild the fantastic possibilities of being or always being with that person. Sometimes those possibilities become the reality and an extraordinary romance evolves. Or maybe sometimes your illusions get ahead of the reality. Or simply, it’s just time for the relationship to end.

There have been a couple of girls in my life where my hopes and expectations exceeded theirs. Hmm. Which of course spell’s the end of that affair. That’s alright though and everything eventually comes back to zero again, but in the mean time all you have is disappointment and this consuming sense of loss.

I didn’t want to deal with anything like that while overseas. Having a relationship or ending a relationship or anything of that nature. Even though my impending deployment wasn’t the major reason my last girlfriend and I broke up, it was however, one of the things I was considering. So many soldiers I serve with had rushed into marriages and commitments as a result being deployed. I guess that’s one way to handle the situation, to find someone to hold on too. Still others, (myself included) would do the opposite, which is to detach from that kind of thing.

I didn’t have a particularly hard time getting over the last girlfriend. Jessica was a great girl, who I’m sure is doing quite well, however we were just too different. I didn’t want to be with her anymore, especially while being gone. The transition was smooth and I didn’t need any help in getting over her. It was simply time for our relationship to end. But it’s not always that easy.

I can remember a few girls that gave me absolute fits when trying to get over them. Relationships where my desires were either stronger than theirs or had outlived theirs. Not all were actual girlfriends, one for example, was just a girl I grew up knowing (a year older) through Middle and High School. We weren’t even that close and I didn’t get that many chances to talk to her, but I knew she always liked having such devoted admirer. Anyway, she had my affections for several years. So there is a varying range of history & closeness between me and the girl who happened to evoke that sense of loss.

Coincidently enough, the girl who ended my affections for the older girl, is still today, the same one that I think about when I need help in getting over the loss of someone else. I haven’t talked to her for a few years and I think she married recently. She was my first real girlfriend and long term relationship. If I had ever loved anyone, it was her.

We dated for about a year and it took twice that time for me to get over her. Everyday of elation equaled two days of loss. Not a fair equation as far as I’m concerned and one that I don’t forget. Anyhow, the gift she did leave me is the ability for her to sometimes help with getting over the overwhelming feelings I had for another. If I could handle two for one, then I could handle this.

So for whatever the reasons were that things didn’t continue or evolve with the few that I had lost, I would always eventually start to think about Amy. I would remember how we spent 13 months together and had never fought once, about anything. Ever. I would remember how every time I tried to be serious or assertive; she would just step right over my stoic bearing in a way that would change all perspectives. If I was mad or upset about something, she would just bypass that too, also in way that defeated whatever importance I applied to the situation. She made me laugh, all the time and especially at myself. She could pick up and set down my ego whenever she wanted while always being able to make me happier than I could imagine. I did those same things for her. (except for picking up and setting down of an ego, she was better at that). I would remember, just simply, how much fun it was to be with her, in a car ride, or a walk, or anything. But mostly I remember how I never once felt, that any moment with her was less than perfect. Never wanted to be anyplace else. I can’t forget about the two days of loss for every day of her, but she has always been able to help me get over the loss of someone else. Eventually.

That usually works for me, so how do you do it?

~Rolligun