A Post Alternative

The other day I was writing to another blogger who had written to me about blogging and writing for a blog, not only as a blogger but also as a writer.

That was a confusing sentence, wasn’t it?

That’s probably because I kept using the same word throughout the whole thing. Or maybe it was the truly hideous display of grammatical reasoning. In any case, it’s the former that I’m concerned with, the need of having to use the same word multiple times. See, this problem occurred to me when I was returning the email and had to use the word “post” several times and for several different reasons. I was annoying myself and god only knows what my unchallenged reader must have been thinking. I don’t think this guy reads. I could be exaggerating the number of times I actually used the word “post,” but the impression I had remains the same.

So listen: My conclusion is this…I no longer like the word “post.”

I mean, I’m at the point where I don’t feel as though I’m prepared to answer a question such as…

“So what do you write?”

“Well, I don’t write stories, and I don’t write essays or anecdotes, what I write…are posts. Yes, I write posts.

I try to offer a little bit of variety in the things I write or rather that I post. Some of my posts are serious, some of them reflective, others are bit of searching and the rest of them, are apparently nonsensical, such as this. I could maybe handle lumping all these themes under a single generic term such as “post” but I’ll be damned if I have to introduce the generic noun with its generic cousin, even in the form of a verb. Example…

Yesterday, I posted my post.

See what I mean?

There will be no more writing posts and there will certainly be no more posting of posts, for me.

Some may think I’m inflating the seriousness of the matter or they might assume the role of mordant problem solver and therefore suggest a thesaurus. But I’m not and don’t be an asshole. If you don’t believe me, then let me demonstrate the range of the problem. I’ll continue on with my example from before.

Yesterday, I posted my post. I wrote the post, while on post, at my military camp, otherwise known as a post. Since I had been guarding my post while writing the post, I couldn’t leave. I couldn’t even pretend like I was supposed to be posted someplace else because the place I was posted was marked with a post that had been posted by the post commander.

Now I’m reasonably sure I could find an ample number of appropriate substitutes to be used in place of the word “post,” but where I fall short, is when finding a way to classify the things I’ve written for this blog. That in addition to desribing the process of putting those posts {dammit} on the screen.

So I’m prepared to look for my replacement.

I’ve started by assembling a list of suggestions and then giving them a trial run with the first words that come to mind, just to see what each term evokes.

Here goes.

Composition ~ Here is my composition Professor Handel, it can either be read or it can be sung, either or.

Umm, that’s too much and I don’t write things that can be sung.

Script ~ Playwright.

Nevermind, I’d never be allowed on a stage. Ever.

Column ~ Yes, I have a weekly column for the Daily Post {wtf} where I explore the, ugh-urh-ahk-ahh, -- Sorry, I have this unfortunate habit of talking with a pencil in my mouth and then choking on it.

No, I’m not a journalist either.

Feature ~ Here is my feature. Would you like to see my feature? No No, don’t run…I mean read it, I mean read my feature. Shit.

Uhh, too ambiguous.

Editorial ~ See the guy with the pencil.

Article ~ If I ever achieve the rank of article writer, that means I’m getting paid to waste people’s time, so until that day comes, I don’t think I’m entitled.

Story ~ Too limiting, this means that every time I want to write about one of my daily fascinations, such as gravel patterns, I have to somehow insert a character into it.

Essay ~ Oh god, I’m not researching shit!

Piece ~ O.k., I’m thinking drugs, sex or puzzles (which reminds me…I haven’t posted about puzzles yet)

Examinations ~ No, to much like essay, and I’m getting a headache just thinking about the word

Text ~ I already yammer long enough in my….uhh, posts, I don’t need any encouragement.

Chronicle ~ You’ve traveled long and far my son, but have you retrieved the lost chronicles?

What’s going on here? Is this an adventure?

Passage ~ No this tells me that I just graduated from puberty and I'm now prepared for manhood or perhaps I have a new journey to embark, but not so much a literary mark.

Message ~ 7:00 Don’t forget!!!

Nothing to do with writing, just obligations.

Letter ~ Is there such a thing anymore?

Note ~ Do you think I’m cute? Check yes or no.

Those never worked.

Alright, I’m out of ideas. I have absolutely no idea how to solve this problem. I was hoping to write a piece that included an examination of the possible alternatives of my post problem and eventually saunter my way to a conclusion. That didn’t work and this turned out to be an extremely unsuccessful narrative (hmm…nah). I think I’ll just call this an absurdity, but then I still have no other choice but to post it. What else would I do?

So If anyone has any suggestions, do share them. Otherwise I’m destined to imagining myself bopping up and down on the back of horse for as long as I blog.

~Rolligun