The Thousand Word Essay

Disclaimer: Sometimes I like to pick on the simple stories in life. The following is in no way a representation of my biggest concerns in this war. It is merely a tale of true absurdity.

Alright, the purpose of that was to alleviate any attitudes that may arise from my ranting. I am now able to comfortably direct your attention to my story.


“The Thousand Word Essay”

In order for there to be balance in my life, I need opposition. My platoon leader or first line commanding officer, fills that role admirably. To give a quick character description that includes absolutely no bias, this guy is a complete fanatic. He has my respect; however he will never get a Christmas card, from me. He believes in only two things or shall I say two categories; right and wrong. And before any of you bleeding hearts get the wrong idea and say “oh how wonderful” please remember my unequivocal and accurately captured description of him with only one word…Fanatic!

Also, before I go any further, I will take the time to note that there is no such thing as “black and white.” The world, in all its complexities, is full of factors and conditions, manipulated equations, and chaos. Don’t sit there and tell me about black and white, even a rainbow could prove otherwise. So, now that I have explained myself and brought you all back to my side, I will continue.

Our Platoon Leader is under the impression that without his presence, the world would stop turning. If there is a rule to be made he would be sure to do so, but not without first following the bureaucratic process to come up with a preparatory rule to serve as an introduction to the original, unnecessary rule. I completely loathe this philosophy; rules on top of rules. The last thing I want is more regulation. The good news is I am not the only one who feels this way. The bad news is that nobody else has ever taken it upon themselves to inform him of this problem.

This is where I come in, a self-appointed committee of one.

The latest “guideline” that I took offense too may seem rather trivial to the untrained eye. But don’t let that discourage you from seeing my side. The “white” side...O.k., nevermind that, (my alliteration attempt). Just keep an open mind and remember that the important thing here is not the subject detail but the “big picture.”

Here goes...

“SGT Rolligun, I want you to tell your guys that there is no use of smokeless tobacco on duty”

“I beg your pardon………sir?”

(Remember open mind and big picture)

My chosen course of action was to stare at him blankly, pause, and then immediately leave to collect my thoughts. Once I completed reflecting on what had just happen, I was ready to re-approach the situation to explain my concern and instill in him the voice of reason. We quickly fell into our pattern of circular discussion before he finally agreed to consult the other squad leaders and reevaluate his decision. Temporarily satisfied, I left and began preparing for our next encounter. I wasn’t naïve enough to believe that he would actually change his mind, because first off, that has never happened and secondly, pride will always prove to be the most challenging of all barriers.

A quick background of the dispute included this and that about cigarettes, clean-up and professionalism, but his real objection, unadmittingly from him, was simply that it was “bad” or black. Whether partaking in smokeless tobacco is an intelligent decision or not, I don’t believe that to be relevant explanation. It is simply not against the decree of our military, civilian, or foreign host for that matter. Adding to a regulation, unfortunately, is one thing while rewriting the law is another.

Anyway, all of his blathering was mixed in with the usual dose of generalizations and analogies that come complete with an annoying habit of physically gesturing his hands in such a way that he assembles his ideas into a little ball right before your eyes. As if all appropriate reasoning was readily available just floating around in orbit.

Even without using the aid of my limbs, I had successfully defended my argument against every single atmospheric objection he had. But the real issue wasn’t what we spent most of our time debating, although I delicately devoted some time to addressing it.

The real problem I have is when these guiding principles are imposed upon me and my troops that in no way affect the professionalism or function of the mission in question. It’s when these “guidelines” interfere with the personal choices of the soldier, that I take great offense. I don’t believe the value system of any one individual should trump the personal decisions that are inherently within ones right to make.

Round Two

I knew going in that SGT Foxtrot would agree with LT, because he has no vested interest, and is easily manipulated. I also knew that SGT Oscar, would agree with me. He’s strong minded, has perspective and is equally frustrated with our platoon leader’s excessive need for control. And if it was one thing only that I knew, it was that no matter what, the platoon leader wasn’t going to change his mind. At this point talking to him is merely a formality in following the chain of command (1SG & Commander are miles and miles away). I had been preparing to take this issue to the next level, not because of the “policy” alone, but because it is representative of the “big picture.” There you have it. That’s why I can become so ardent over the little things; there is always the “bigger issue” that I am worried about.

So my whole objective in round two was to accept my momentary defeat, relieve myself from the position of parade rest, and continue on with my agenda. By no means was I planning on being done at this point. Unfortunately, my emotion and argumentative nature got the best of me and I didn’t stick to my well scripted plan.

It all unfolded when the LT told me that the soldier who happens to agree with me was in fact “indifferent” and didn’t have any supporting disposition. This was completely untrue as I was very aware of SGT Oscar’s stance on the issue.

“Actually, Sir, I know the soldier in question you are referring to is SGT Oscar, and I also know that his position is in no way indifferent.”

The hands cease movement and a puzzled look of surprise forms itself.

“SGT Rolligun! Are you saying that I am intentionally painting a picture to support my case?”

(Well yea, using hands to create a message through analogies and generalizations is what painters do, whether it’s an accurate picture or an abstract)

“Yes Sir, I am”

That concluded that conversation as my Platoon Leader walked away without anything further.

About an hour later…

“SGT Rolligun, LT wants to see you in his office.”

“Fine”

Moments later I am receiving a “counseling statement,” only this time I am standing at the position of attention. At his request.
His major premise was that I questioned his integrity as an officer and that is unacceptable from a non-commissioned officer, that being me. He’s right about the latter but as for the former, I did no such thing! I was asked for my opinion of an indirect question. I can’t help that he hid his intentions behind some implied meaning. What the hell is that?

So now I have another counseling statement and included as a punishment is an assignment to write a 1000 word essay on various subjects of Army doctrine. As far as I am concerned a counseling statement is the same as getting your name written on the board. My first grade teacher use to exaggerate that bullshit as well!

~Rolligun