dEsqUAmAtIOn
Some days I just feel like jumping out of my fucking Skin. I want gone of everything…I don’t want be a part of this moment anymore. I don’t want to be here or there.
I don’t care about what’s going on…couldn’t care less about what you’re saying…I want to leave.
But I can’t. I have to stay. I have to tell other people what to do. Other people have to tell me what to do. Everyone has to do.
I can’t leave, so I want to shed my Skin.
Sometimes I don’t want what’s on my mind. I have too much on my mind. I have other things on my mind. I have nothing on my mind. I can’t change it.
So I want to shed my Skin.
Is that possible?
To Shed your skin and reappear somewhere else.
How would you go about doing that?
I use to be able to get away if I needed too…
Could go for a walk with my dog,
A ride,
I could drink,
Something...
But I can’t do any of that stuff. I can’t leave anything.
I’m stuck in my own skin,
which is currently under U.S. command.
The human skin is our body’s largest organ. It has remarkable healing properties. It protects us. Regulates temperature. Holds moisture. It can sense both pleasure and pain. It has two layers.
But sometimes I don’t care about that.
300 million cells that I don’t care about.
February 14 was more than a consumer headache, an emotional heartache, or a passionate love make, depending on whichever you were. To me, it also marked the fifth month I’ve been in country.
That’s fives months in with seven more to go. Not to mention the 73 days of “pre-mobilization.” So five months and 73 days with approximately 210 more to go. Oh stupid me, that 210 figure doesn’t include the anywhere from 20-40 days of demobilization. So we’ll estimate the remaining two and call it 240 more days.
Every twenty four hours your body sheds its outermost layer of skin. The layer beneath it replaces the subsequent layer and assumes that layers responsibilities. The layer most likely to be torn off by me. The other layers do not aspire to have this position.
Every thirty days, your skin will completely recycle itself. One day at time your body replaces its own barrier. This is why we don’t look like mobile red carcasses, as opposed to the not-so-mobile ones.
It has remarkable healing properties.
So I’ve determined that I will have to shed my body of its entire shell eight more times. Then I’m done. Thus proving that my clenching state of silence, where I can think about nothing except jumping out of my fucking Skin, is in fact a natural one.
Biological impatience.
~Rolligun
So how do you shed your Skin?
I don’t care about what’s going on…couldn’t care less about what you’re saying…I want to leave.
But I can’t. I have to stay. I have to tell other people what to do. Other people have to tell me what to do. Everyone has to do.
I can’t leave, so I want to shed my Skin.
Sometimes I don’t want what’s on my mind. I have too much on my mind. I have other things on my mind. I have nothing on my mind. I can’t change it.
So I want to shed my Skin.
Is that possible?
To Shed your skin and reappear somewhere else.
How would you go about doing that?
I use to be able to get away if I needed too…
Could go for a walk with my dog,
A ride,
I could drink,
Something...
But I can’t do any of that stuff. I can’t leave anything.
I’m stuck in my own skin,
which is currently under U.S. command.
The human skin is our body’s largest organ. It has remarkable healing properties. It protects us. Regulates temperature. Holds moisture. It can sense both pleasure and pain. It has two layers.
But sometimes I don’t care about that.
300 million cells that I don’t care about.
February 14 was more than a consumer headache, an emotional heartache, or a passionate love make, depending on whichever you were. To me, it also marked the fifth month I’ve been in country.
That’s fives months in with seven more to go. Not to mention the 73 days of “pre-mobilization.” So five months and 73 days with approximately 210 more to go. Oh stupid me, that 210 figure doesn’t include the anywhere from 20-40 days of demobilization. So we’ll estimate the remaining two and call it 240 more days.
Every twenty four hours your body sheds its outermost layer of skin. The layer beneath it replaces the subsequent layer and assumes that layers responsibilities. The layer most likely to be torn off by me. The other layers do not aspire to have this position.
Every thirty days, your skin will completely recycle itself. One day at time your body replaces its own barrier. This is why we don’t look like mobile red carcasses, as opposed to the not-so-mobile ones.
It has remarkable healing properties.
So I’ve determined that I will have to shed my body of its entire shell eight more times. Then I’m done. Thus proving that my clenching state of silence, where I can think about nothing except jumping out of my fucking Skin, is in fact a natural one.
Biological impatience.
~Rolligun
So how do you shed your Skin?
posted by Rolligun at 3:41 PM
8 Comments:
Music.
Writing.
Screaming until I'm hoarse.
Staying underwater until my lungs are bursting and I'm going to pass out.
Running until I collapse then somehow making it home.
Do what you need to do to reconcile yourself to your life.
I wish I could change it for you.
I go on holiday. Go to a strange place where no one knows me. I re-invent my self even only for a week.
Sleeping, anything but thinking about myself. Throwing myself into volunteer activities, by helping others I don't have to think about helping myself...To start crying means I would never stop so I don't even do that anymore... I'm trapped in this pretentious, "do what you're supposed to do" world that is a prison all its own... but the difference is, it's not going to end, I can't count down the days until it's over... It's my life, so I trudge through with a smile on my face and a handbag to match.
I hate that you are feeling the way you are feeling, like meg, I wish I could make it better for you... The possibilities are endless for you when you get home, I have great hope for you my friend...
I'm with Beachgirl. I sleep or just veg totally on the computer. You take care and be safe. I can't imagine what you must be going through. I know the waiting is for time to go by terrible. Stay safe.
Meg,
Those all sound like very effective solutions, not all of them socially exceptable, but whatever works. I trust Meghans choices. Either way it's definately quicker than waiting for biology to take it's course.
Save your wishes, thank you, but save em.
Missy,
Who were you last week?
BG,
well said BG, that was a personal reflection. The part about the handbag and the smile is a little sad, it seems that "shedding your skin" is something you don't know how to do sometimes. (See Meghan)
What about a "do what you want to do world" instead. Is that possible?
And thanks for the support...I agree with you. I'm what you might call a "long term optimest" It's just the now that get's to me sometimes, but always passes quickly
"Everything alwasy works itself out" ~My sister
Mommy,
Thank you so much for supporting us...
it isn't always the time that get's me, that I can deal with, it's the lack of, how do say this, breathing room, that's a little harder. I didn't quite capture what I meant there, but interpret as you must.
i drink. it helps.
Your suggestion does sound nice but maybe I'm just not strong enough to undo and resist (almost) 31 years of training. And your sister sounds like a pretty smary girl...
Eh, if you trust my choices. . . then trust me to choose to waste a wish on you.
And it is a waste.
I knew that when I made it.
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