An Email Conspiracy

The following is my reply in an email thread with some friends. It consists of old college buddies with the point of planning a get together next fall. Anyway, my friend Ryan uses his work email address and for whatever reason they have the most ridiculous email filter. And given my affections for swearing, it comes as no surprise that none of my responses get through to him. So that means that I have to edit what I say and that drives me fucking nuts! I don't know how to get my messages across properly with out swearing. Anyhow here goes...


Dear Ryan,

Ryan I'm worried about you. See, I fear that you may not know the entire story behind your company's emailing policies. For example, getting an email through "Quality One's" gauntlet of grammatical algorithms is not as easy as using a series of decoy characters from the numeric row, as you have suggested.

The email I sent regarding bandwagons and debauchery, did not make it through the "Quality One" electronic filtering system. I had to resend it to you as a second hand attachment. Despite using a strategically placed assterisk, "Quality One" was not to be fooled.

But back to the beginning, regarding the part about me being "worried about you." It is not because I'm concerned about you not getting important company memos, detailing such policies as email. It is that I don't think "Quality One" is who they say they are. Let me explain...

You see, I fear that "Quality One," as they are most commonly known, is actually an indirect subsidiary of the infamous Halliburton defense contracting company. Otherwise known as VP Chaney’s vehicle for world domination. I don't think that "Quali-Burton" as I shall now refer to them, makes just "cabinets."

In fact, I think that they are secretly a kitchen surveillance company. The “custom cabinetry” as they call it, is really a tool for domestic spying, perhaps to help discredit the FDA. When “Quali-Burton” speaks of “framing” what they are really saying is watch the F*ck out, A**hole, big brother is watching you cook!

Why would Big Brother want to monitor the culinary habits of honest Americans? I'm not sure. Granted, it’s kind of a Hickory, Maple and Oak approach, but maybe their planning on using the Intel to eventually wage a war on the “nutritionists.” Claiming that their dietary rhetoric is terrorizing the U.S. Department of Agriculture. That in turn could possibly prevent the USDA from endorsing the chemically charged food products that we, as a nation, have spent years swallowing. Just think about all the profits that would be lost by these chemical companies that vigorously research new ways to manipulate the size of cow balls, so that more milk can be produced, per ball. What about pesticides? It’s apparently not acceptable to have healthy cows piss all over the crops to encourage growth, instead we need to “spray them” to protect from something or other.

All I’m saying Ryan, is be careful man. Why else would “Quality One” have such a ridiculous email system? What are they trying to hide?

~Rolligun