The DCS Briefing

*Warning –- if there is anything else that you could possibly do instead of reading this post…Do it!!! And I mean when was the last time you checked the length of your toenails? If they need trimming, then do that instead. I’m about to relive an Army briefing in the following post. Don’t hold on to anything because this post is going nowhere…it’s an Army Briefing.

The DCS briefing is, like all army briefings, a box to be checked. They’re a consequence of the great thinkers in the world who somehow believe information is retained at these gatherings. They are usually conducted by other soldiers who, oddly enough, have the natural stage presence of bedroom furniture. This inspiring display of energy is usually complimented with the public speaking savvy of a grade school George Bush. Needless to say, the table is set for a scholarly delight. How it could be anything but?

The main idea behind this briefing is “re-deployment” so that should at least gather some positive esteem for the event. However, all is lost before we even enter the door. I was scheduled to attend this briefing with a mock platoon of soldiers from my old unit. There was some troops I haven’t seen in awhile. In some cases I cared and in others I didn’t. The Sergeant First Class, who was in charge of the group, took his responsibilities very seriously. I wasn’t under the impression that a “senior leader” was needed for this event and as far as I could tell the only responsibility available was in taking attendance. In any case, the SFC decided we needed to assemble an hour before hand and proceed to our destination in a ridiculously early manner. Seven minutes later were standing like a herd of idiots outside the building only to be told that we can’t enter for another 53 minutes. Keep in mind it’s about a 115 degrees outside, mid-day and there is what I believe to be four different colored suns in the sky. I’ve been up most of the previous night, I have sweat comfortably puddling in the corners of both my eyes and the only words I can eloquently assemble for the guy next to me are “WHAT in the fuck are we doing here!?!?!” So much for the positive esteem I had been preparing.

I had already been given several pieces of paper that, among other things, describe who I am both physically and numerically and otherwise serve purpose as to my admittance for the event. Well armed with these pieces of paper, I was still asked to fill out several others with information that is eerily similar to what’s included in the one’s I had presently been carrying. I offered to trade in the papers I already had, relieving myself of two burdens, but my offer was abruptly declined and instead I was directed to “sign here” and “move on.” Eventually everyone was seated and the briefing began.

(Note: I hate sitting for long periods of time and I’m not what people would refer to as “patient”)

The bright side is the chairs were comfortable and the building was air conditioned. This was a pleasant improvement from our pre-mobilization briefings which took place in a very old wooden church with very old wooden benches and one large iron fan, which had been agreeably aimed at exactly 1/5 of the audience. The large iron fan was similar to those you may remember from the hallways of your old elementary school. The fans didn’t work back then and they certainly didn’t improve with age. Anyway, that was last June. Despite any comfort the new amenities provided, the subject matter itself did a brilliant job of balancing the situation by instilling a never ending sensation of stabbing discomfort. Topics of interest include finance, JAG, medical (w/interview) and of course an all-embracing dissertation from the Chaplin. The total estimated time for the briefing is four hours; however the total estimated time index is believed to be 2012.

The first part of the briefing was finance. This part of the briefing included a run down of certain allowances and credits that were to be expected from serving overseas as well as a complete description of the common financial obligations one might expect when returning home. Things such as paying bills or saving money. Apparently, the Army believes these concepts, to include counting, will need to be re-learned. I think that many soldiers already know this stuff and those who don’t, but care, will ask. Now, I’m sure there are those who weren’t able to determine their financial position over the course of a year and perhaps forgot how to count, however I don’t think any new enlightenments were afforded to them on this day either. But there was financial advice, such as “open a savings account” if you don’t already have one, or maybe open second one if you already do. Or something to that effect. So there could have been some benefit. In any case, several pieces of paper were handed out regarding these matters.

The second part of the briefing was J.A.G. For those of you unfamiliar with what that is, it’s basically the legal arm of the military. I knew the guy giving the briefing, he’s a civilian lawyer from Illinois and I had briefly served with him earlier in the year before we both got re-attached someplace else. We still talk and I had actually met up with him a few days earlier. Anyhow, he managed to cover all issues legal (relative to soldiers) both military and civilian, in matter of eleven minutes. He was the most extraordinarily efficient and therefore the best presenter I had ever seen in all my days of military service. Simply fantastic. Eleven minutes and only one piece of paper. I don’t know what else I can say about this. He was the best.

We took a quick break at this point. Initially, I stood up and started to turn a little, but then I realized that I have nothing to do. So I scratched behind my ear for a bit, completed my circle, and sat back down.

The briefing continued when everyone returned. I’m not sure what could possibly have been more important than “getting through this” but apparently people had some ideas. Either way, the briefing started back up with a couple of other speakers and topics that were not expected -- by me. I thought I had a complete understanding of what the briefing was going to entail but somehow more subjects managed to sneak their way into the briefing. I tried to find there scheduled appointments on some sort of “agenda” but curiously enough, an “agenda” was not among the pieces of paper that had been handed out. So with nothing to base my argument on, I was forced to sit in continued silence and listen to the surprise information. Something about press releases, employer programs, more security and so on. I spent most of this time comparing my right hand to my left, but if you have any questions, feel free to address them in an email. I can always find the answers for you in the additional pieces of paper that I received from them.

Next up is the Chaplin’s briefing. The Chaplin is invited, to what I conclude to be, every single Army briefing known to man. Now the Chaplin did speak about some issues that are important. Things that could be considered hard to hard to make fun of, however, I will do my best. Until recently, I thought the name “Chaplin” had in fact been a family name and not a job title. I had simply thought it to be some bizarre family custom where the surname was given first. The rationale for my flaw in reasoning was that everyone I ever met named “Chaplin” all seemed to have the same character traits in common and therefore must have been family relation. As far as I could tell, all Chaplin’s were exceedingly soft spoken, consistently jovial yet frighteningly calm and all told excruciatingly unfunny jokes. Plus of course there’s the common belief system they all seemed to share, although I’m so completely uninvolved during that part of their speeches that I wouldn’t even know how to begin describing it. Anyway, they were clearly related and clearly different from me, which explains both my apprehension and confusion surrounding their family background. (I’m not sure if these are the type of people I could comfortably leave my child with). Whatever the case may be, Army Chaplins are related in spirit, not genealogy. O.k. back to the briefing. The most important thing the Chaplin spoke of, as far as I was concerned, was regarding the transition from serving in war to serving in a household. He spoke about the differences in roles, changes in expectations and the psychological effects on younger children. He talked about marital problems and I do remember one thing he said which I thought was worth remembering. He said if there were family problems before you left there will be family problems when you return…”distance doesn’t solve problems, people solve problems.” That wasn’t novel to me but I appreciated his brevity. I don’t have a family, not in the sense he was referring too, but I thought this was the part of the briefing that served to benefit others. Fortunately for me, I didn’t leave anyone behind. I was the perfect person to be deployed. But so many soldiers here do have families so I did like this part. Also he spoke of suicide rates and how they rise both towards the end of a deployment and during the summer months. Maybe I should get back to singularity of Army Chaplins. Either way, I received more papers which included words assorted in inspirational order, casual reading about family issues, and contact information for people who will undoubtedly have more pieces of paper to give to you.

The last part of the briefing (which reminds me, I really think we need to define what sort of criteria constitutes a “briefing”) was the medical. This was the exact same presentation that was given to us last summer as well as in the fall. The exact same one. It included knowledge about various geographically specific skin disorders in addition to other forms of illness that had befallen soldiers from past conflicts. Such as uranium exposure or post traumatic stress disorder. I did take a personal moment to once again applaud myself for refusing to get vaccinated for anthrax. You see last summer we were strongly encouraged to get a series of vaccinations (six shots total) that had been “temporarily” approved by the FDA. Now I don’t remember how exactly they phrased it (they didn’t use the word temporary), but the message I got out of it was someone got pressured by someone else to approve a drug that will stop one thing but has a wait see approach when considering future side effects. I did personally expand on their explanations regarding the vaccine, but why take that chance? Anyhow, this opens the door wide open for discussion, but I’m going to skip that topic out of respect for the “time index.”

About two-thirds of my unit went on to take the shots despite my unprepared attempts to lobby against it. Either way, I quietly congratulated myself once again for that decision. Once I was done accepting my personally appointed medal for valor, I reluctantly rejoined the “briefing.” However, I wasn’t there for long. The medical person went on and on about god knows what and I became fixated on using my fingers to stretch my eye lids as well as practice other kinds of facial skills such as pulling my bottom lip over my top lip. Finally I snapped out of it by dropping all of the pieces of paper I had accumulated all over my feet. This was a fascinating development in its own right, because not only did valuable time pass on the account of how long my scattered retrieval took, but also because I never took the time to notice how exactly someone could print so many pieces of paper with such a non-distinguishable font. In fact, if I had never taken the time to observe how an elderly person reads, I never would have known to use both hands and place the paper immediately in front of my eyes in order to figure it all out. This was truly amazing and kept me well occupied for the remainder of the briefing.

Eventually the medical briefing was over and one by one each person in attendance went to speak with the physician where they were asked to disclose any health related issues over a series of questions. This was finally the part of the day where we were able to speak casually with the person next to us, however I didn’t like the person next to me and I was still very much busy with the investigation. My research was halted on the account that it was my turn to speak with the physician (my findings remain inconclusive). Naturally, I entered the room fully prepared to answer “no” to everything single thing I heard, but my plan was quickly derailed when the physician I saw was (same word backwards) the same one I saw about my broken ear. This led to casual chatting and thus broke my defiant concentration on the word “no.” Now the ear injury I suffered was in no way a war related injury. In fact, it wasn’t even honorable by “jackass standards” but it was an injury and was documented. Also, my mission was noted as some sort of default setting in the paper work. I really need to concentrate harder in the future.

Interestingly enough, one of the pieces of information that wasn’t covered was “what does DCS stand for?” The Army loves acronyms. Unconditionally loves them. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to ascertain the meaning of those letters and had unsuccessfully solicited their meaning from the others in attendance. In fact, I didn’t even receive an answer either of the times I asked. I simply received the non-verbal message that says “who fucking cares?” So, I don’t know what DCS means. But I do have a small tree’s worth of informative papers, so maybe it’s in there somewhere. If only I could read them.

~Rolligun