The Drag Show
I read a comment by DrunkinChud that he posted on Laurie(akabuggy)'s blog. He made a funny comment about gay bars or something. This in turn reminded me of a story.
My last girlfriend use to like to drag me out with her friends, it was always “I haven’t seen her since fourth grade, you have to meet her” O.k. it wasn’t quite as ridiculous as elementary school friends, but she somehow had an endless supply of people I needed to meet and had continued to meet. We dated for about a year, plus we were a pretty social couple to boot. Where these people came from I’ll never know. One weekend we went back to her parent’s house in the “Twin Cities.” I begged and pleaded to stay home, even used the excuse that my dog doesn’t like to travel, which she knows is not so. But she had these plans to go out with “one of her best friends” and I, apparently, had to be there. I’d had already met this girl, she’s lovely, and we got along well. Why not just leave it at that? Why the hell did she always have to drag me out for her “female nights?” I would rather have hung out with her step dad or the one brother who did like me. What was I needed for?
xGirlfriend: “I can’t wait to see Courtney tonight, she has something really fun planned for us. Do you care what we do?”
Me: “No, whatever you want.”
Girlfriend: “Great, she wants to go to “Gay 90’s” It’s a club downtown.”
Me: “What?!?”
Girlfriend: “It’s a drag show, where these men dress up as women and sing songs. There just gorgeous, you can’t even tell and they sing really well. Do you want to go?”
Me: Fuck No!!!
Girlfriend: “You won’t be the only guy there, and they sing really well!”
Me: “Have you lost your mind?”
“I don’t care”
Girlfriend: “You said you didn’t care what we did, and I haven’t seen her in sooo long. Please come with, you have too. You owe me.”
Me: “For what! What the HELL are you talking about?”
Girlfriend: Please it would mean so much to me! {smiles, tugs on arm} and Courtney is excited to see you again. {finishes with a hop}
Me: “AARRRGGGG!!!!”
Girlfriend: “Excellent, I want you to dress nice, wear the…”
Me: {Blank Stare}
(Why I’m choosing to relive this fuckin nightmare, I don’t know.)
So we go to this club, my girlfriend, one of her various “best” friends and me. I dressed well, but absolutely refused to wear the shirt she wanted. I could already tell that mustering any sort of dignity tonight was going to be quite the challenge for me. I was ready to pounce on any winnable battle I could find. They giggled and chatted the whole way there. I sat quietly in the back seat with my nose pressed tightly against the window. I do a quick mental comparison between the imminent pain of tonight verse what would happen if I jump out the back of the car as we hang a left. It’s a close call. The deciding factor was that it was still a club, they serve alcohol and I wasn’t driving. You always have to try to focus on the good in life.
Enter the “Gay 90’s”,
I see a dance floor {not interested},
I see a stage with rows of seats {walk faster, have to walk faster}
Girlfriend: “See, that’s where we sit, I want to sit towards the front.”
Me: “Of course you do”
I see booths, they’re an inviting alternative, but still isn’t what I need right now.
Finally!! For the GLORY of all that is MAN, there’s huge giant square for a bar.
It’s glowing.
I lose the girls and push my way through several unidentifiable genders to reach the bar. I promptly order a beer and a shot.
Girlfriend: “There you are, can you get us two martinis?”
Me: “Yes”
“Add two martinis, dry, with kettle one, extra olives and another shot for me”
I have the drinks but I decide to take a break next to the bar. I’m safe over here. I stay put. As I look around I begin to scratch myself and roll my neck. I continue to scratch and begin to stick out my chest a bit. I do anything I can think of to send out the “all man vibe.”
Courtney taps me on the shoulder,
“Come on, Jess has some really good seats. You’ll have fun trust me”
{Trust you? No.}
I sit down next to Jess, she’s in the middle with Courtney on the other side.
There giggling again.
I scratch myself.
The lights go out and the show begins. Something walks on to the stage in a long shiny dress. It walks the stage and proceeds to have an intimate relationship with the microphone. It plays the part of a transgender host and introduces the next walking mystery. This one starts to sing a song that I’m unfamiliar with. The mystery finishes its set and out comes another obscurity, also dressed in shiny materials. The obscurity does pretty much the same thing that the mystery did. The obscurity finishes and the something walks back out on to the stage, it tells a joke that is completely lost on me but then indicates a break in the “fun.”
Thank God. I get back up. And back to the bar. I’ll have another beer and another shot.
I start to walk back down the aisle, I had taken my time, which is starting to feel like a mistake. The lights start to dim, I pause to look for Jess and retrace my steps. Where the hell is she? I’m getting nervous now. I feel clouds coming. Something is back on stage and I’m standing in the middle of the aisle looking for Jess. Something takes a hold of the mike and here comes the storm.
Something: “Hey there Cutie. What do they call you?”
Me: “Rolligun”
(My mind says): {Straight, Drunk, Lost}
Something: “Are you enjoying the show?”
Me: “Never seen anything like it”
(My mind): {I would rather look at stamps with someone else’s grandma}
Something: “Who’s your favorite so far?”
Me: “They all have there good points”
(My mind): {Go to Hell}
Something: “Oh come Sugar, you have to pick one”
Me: “The one who tripped on the cord”
(My mind): {I’m gonna run up there and beat your ass}
Something: (Laughs) “Alright Cutie, I think this fabulous young lady over here is waiting for you”
I yammer some sort of grunt, include a pointing gesture, and go about my way.
I scratch myself once more.
I make it back to my seat and swiftly extinguish the beer.
Girlfriend: “This is so much fun!”
Me: “Couldn’t imagine anything better”
{Fuck off}
Me: “I’m gonna go back to the bar”
Girlfriend: “Can you get us…”
{NO}
“…some more drinks”
Me: “Yes”
Girlfriend: “You’re having a good time right?”
Me: “As long as I’m with you”
{Why do you hate me?}
That was the pinnacle of the night, the part where I got busted out by the host or hostess, or rather something. I tried to keep my answers short and play-up my involuntary part. But something was a little more inquisitive than I had hoped for.
I should of have just jumped out of the car when I had the chance, a long time ago.
~Rolligun
My last girlfriend use to like to drag me out with her friends, it was always “I haven’t seen her since fourth grade, you have to meet her” O.k. it wasn’t quite as ridiculous as elementary school friends, but she somehow had an endless supply of people I needed to meet and had continued to meet. We dated for about a year, plus we were a pretty social couple to boot. Where these people came from I’ll never know. One weekend we went back to her parent’s house in the “Twin Cities.” I begged and pleaded to stay home, even used the excuse that my dog doesn’t like to travel, which she knows is not so. But she had these plans to go out with “one of her best friends” and I, apparently, had to be there. I’d had already met this girl, she’s lovely, and we got along well. Why not just leave it at that? Why the hell did she always have to drag me out for her “female nights?” I would rather have hung out with her step dad or the one brother who did like me. What was I needed for?
xGirlfriend: “I can’t wait to see Courtney tonight, she has something really fun planned for us. Do you care what we do?”
Me: “No, whatever you want.”
Girlfriend: “Great, she wants to go to “Gay 90’s” It’s a club downtown.”
Me: “What?!?”
Girlfriend: “It’s a drag show, where these men dress up as women and sing songs. There just gorgeous, you can’t even tell and they sing really well. Do you want to go?”
Me: Fuck No!!!
Girlfriend: “You won’t be the only guy there, and they sing really well!”
Me: “Have you lost your mind?”
“I don’t care”
Girlfriend: “You said you didn’t care what we did, and I haven’t seen her in sooo long. Please come with, you have too. You owe me.”
Me: “For what! What the HELL are you talking about?”
Girlfriend: Please it would mean so much to me! {smiles, tugs on arm} and Courtney is excited to see you again. {finishes with a hop}
Me: “AARRRGGGG!!!!”
Girlfriend: “Excellent, I want you to dress nice, wear the…”
Me: {Blank Stare}
(Why I’m choosing to relive this fuckin nightmare, I don’t know.)
So we go to this club, my girlfriend, one of her various “best” friends and me. I dressed well, but absolutely refused to wear the shirt she wanted. I could already tell that mustering any sort of dignity tonight was going to be quite the challenge for me. I was ready to pounce on any winnable battle I could find. They giggled and chatted the whole way there. I sat quietly in the back seat with my nose pressed tightly against the window. I do a quick mental comparison between the imminent pain of tonight verse what would happen if I jump out the back of the car as we hang a left. It’s a close call. The deciding factor was that it was still a club, they serve alcohol and I wasn’t driving. You always have to try to focus on the good in life.
Enter the “Gay 90’s”,
I see a dance floor {not interested},
I see a stage with rows of seats {walk faster, have to walk faster}
Girlfriend: “See, that’s where we sit, I want to sit towards the front.”
Me: “Of course you do”
I see booths, they’re an inviting alternative, but still isn’t what I need right now.
Finally!! For the GLORY of all that is MAN, there’s huge giant square for a bar.
It’s glowing.
I lose the girls and push my way through several unidentifiable genders to reach the bar. I promptly order a beer and a shot.
Girlfriend: “There you are, can you get us two martinis?”
Me: “Yes”
“Add two martinis, dry, with kettle one, extra olives and another shot for me”
I have the drinks but I decide to take a break next to the bar. I’m safe over here. I stay put. As I look around I begin to scratch myself and roll my neck. I continue to scratch and begin to stick out my chest a bit. I do anything I can think of to send out the “all man vibe.”
Courtney taps me on the shoulder,
“Come on, Jess has some really good seats. You’ll have fun trust me”
{Trust you? No.}
I sit down next to Jess, she’s in the middle with Courtney on the other side.
There giggling again.
I scratch myself.
The lights go out and the show begins. Something walks on to the stage in a long shiny dress. It walks the stage and proceeds to have an intimate relationship with the microphone. It plays the part of a transgender host and introduces the next walking mystery. This one starts to sing a song that I’m unfamiliar with. The mystery finishes its set and out comes another obscurity, also dressed in shiny materials. The obscurity does pretty much the same thing that the mystery did. The obscurity finishes and the something walks back out on to the stage, it tells a joke that is completely lost on me but then indicates a break in the “fun.”
Thank God. I get back up. And back to the bar. I’ll have another beer and another shot.
I start to walk back down the aisle, I had taken my time, which is starting to feel like a mistake. The lights start to dim, I pause to look for Jess and retrace my steps. Where the hell is she? I’m getting nervous now. I feel clouds coming. Something is back on stage and I’m standing in the middle of the aisle looking for Jess. Something takes a hold of the mike and here comes the storm.
Something: “Hey there Cutie. What do they call you?”
Me: “Rolligun”
(My mind says): {Straight, Drunk, Lost}
Something: “Are you enjoying the show?”
Me: “Never seen anything like it”
(My mind): {I would rather look at stamps with someone else’s grandma}
Something: “Who’s your favorite so far?”
Me: “They all have there good points”
(My mind): {Go to Hell}
Something: “Oh come Sugar, you have to pick one”
Me: “The one who tripped on the cord”
(My mind): {I’m gonna run up there and beat your ass}
Something: (Laughs) “Alright Cutie, I think this fabulous young lady over here is waiting for you”
I yammer some sort of grunt, include a pointing gesture, and go about my way.
I scratch myself once more.
I make it back to my seat and swiftly extinguish the beer.
Girlfriend: “This is so much fun!”
Me: “Couldn’t imagine anything better”
{Fuck off}
Me: “I’m gonna go back to the bar”
Girlfriend: “Can you get us…”
{NO}
“…some more drinks”
Me: “Yes”
Girlfriend: “You’re having a good time right?”
Me: “As long as I’m with you”
{Why do you hate me?}
That was the pinnacle of the night, the part where I got busted out by the host or hostess, or rather something. I tried to keep my answers short and play-up my involuntary part. But something was a little more inquisitive than I had hoped for.
I should of have just jumped out of the car when I had the chance, a long time ago.
~Rolligun
posted by Rolligun at 10:29 PM
21 Comments:
That's too funny, man. too funny. I'm still laughing.
LOL!
Oh my gosh!
I can't decide if you would have LOVED being with Beachgirl and I last night for OUR trip to the drag show, or hated it!
Hilarious.
Wish you could have come with us either way, though. A good time was had by all . . . particularly when Ms. Gay Arkansas made all the "pussies" in the crowd yell "Hell yeah" and all the "men" in the crowd bark like dogs.
My personal favorite part of the show would have been when one of the "girls" came out wearing a Wonder Woman outfit singing "I need a hero" and kept doing the splits... I mean the kind of splits when you jump way up and LAND IN A SPLIT.... That was classic...
oh and by the way... I started my nite off at the bar with a shot of Jack and a beer.. great minds must think alike.. The other girls were drinking things called leg spreaders, slow screw against a wall and the clasic sex on the beach... hmmm I drank beer all nite, what does that say about me??
Really?
BG - you think WonderWoman was better than the other guy in the peacock headdress singing "If I Could Turn Back Time"?
Or better than Ms. Gay Arkansas coming out and CALLING THAT GIRL out in the front row . . . . for having, umm, her business, hanging out of her skirt and "smellin like Salmon croquettes"??
See, Rolli doll, down here the drag queens pick on the real women . . not the men. Come go with us next time, promise you won't be called out! :)
At least it gave you a good blog story right? lol. You were a good boyfriend for going. What a catch!
as you told that story, i was with you man. 100%. never been to a drag show, but i feel your pain... oh do i. i am still laughing though. the greatest part is you letting the women in on our psyche as males. {what you wanted to say} and what you said. we've ALL had to do that.
her: "honey, do want to go see 'the notebook'?"
{what the fuck would ever make you think i would?}
me: "uhh... not really... isn't there something..."
her: "but i really want to see it. it looks sooooooo good! please? i love you."
{if you loved me you wouldn't ask me to sit through 2 hours of what amounts to pain and anguish for me. but, since i know this will get me laid... and NO i am not going to use any lines from the movie while doing so... well, maybe one if i think it will shut you up}
me: "fine honey. but i get to choose the resteraunt."
(laurie, sorry, but i had to use the notebook. you mentioned it, and i couldn't figure out what i did wrong to deserve that torture when i was forced to see it)
I have the DUMBEST question ever . . . but why the fugly don't you just tell us what you're thinking?
I mean, obviously not all of us can "handle the truth." But the rest of us REALLY want to know what you're thinking . . . don't just say something to placate me. I hate that crap.
PS - Chud, I hate chick flicks. The FEW I really like, I would never NEVER subject a male in my life to. There is one cavaet - if HE decided HE wanted to see it. But I would NEVER suggest it.
C.S.
Glad my misery brings joy to others. No Problem.
Meghan
I would have hated it. Did you read half my post and scuttle on over to the comment section?
Laurie
I think forcing your boyfriend to watch those movies with you is along the lines of departmental relationism. It's still not a good thing.
Buggy
Thanks for telling on yourself, on your grammatical errors, your candor has saved you from me posting that mistake on my site. Nonetheless, I still appreciate all of your comments. Just be more carful in the future. What kind of blog do you think this is?
Beachgirl
The part of the "show" you referred to wasn't known as part of my blog. Please stick to the program.
There is nothing wrong with a girl who drinks beer all nite, it's only with the girls who don't drink anything.
I agree that you have a great mind, that's why I like it when stop over to read.
Meghan,
You again. I would definatley hang with you guys, I think it would be a good time, however there won't be any more Rolligun sightings at places like that. I have been somewhat desensitised to the cutsey manipulations you ladies do to the fellas.
It's a good thing that "Something" finally let me go, I wasn't getting paid to a part of the show, and it didn't know what it was getting itself into.
Steph
That's what my blog is for. It's a platform for others to learn from. How to avoid troubling situations. What happens if? The meaning of...?
And I am a good catch...how well can you hunt!?!?
Drunkin
I usually don't filter my mouth anyway. It's much easier to let all the stupidity out.
Good comments by the way, I was definately laughing at your renditions, however, are you trying to show me up on my own blog?
Meghan
Good to see you, I was beginning to miss you. Well put with the "placate" thing. As I said earlier I am quite a vocal person, that did get me in trouble quite a bit, but I do have a good leash when it comes to the "sensitivities" of others, that leash was needed quite a bit with Jess though.
With you on the other hand, I somehow doubt it would be needed, for anything.
And again . . .
I am unsure of whether that is complimentary or derogatory.
Must you always leave me in a quandry?
I think you've played your games as well, but fun nonetheless.
Everything I say to you is some combination of compliment, insult, and insinuation.
Your a talented girl, I am sure you'll figure out your own "quandrys"
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Luggy
It was intentional, I like both of your names just the same.
Don't think that you being cute and all is in any way gonna excuse this little outburst of yours.
HAHAHA~ I've SOOOO been there! You should've gone to Glueck's Pub, no men in silver dresses, there. Thanks for the laugh! If it makes you feel any better, I get uncomfortable at those places too & I'm a chick. Mostly b/c they always try to compare who's boobs are bigger ; )
no, laurie, if she loved me she would never ask me to do something i am so loath to do. i would never ask her to come to the tool expo, or the boat show, or the fishing show, or any of that if i knew how much she abhorred doing so. period. it's called respect.
and yes, rolli, i too have become numb to the wiles of women and how they try to manipulate. now i just laugh. and as far as showing you up on your own blog, i would never actually try to show you up. cuz then you would delete the post. but i have to try to come close, you know, healthy alpha male competition and all. riiiight.
Laurie,
You are an intelligent and merciful soul
Officialy 30,
Thanks for coming over, I like fabulous people. So are there any good perks that come with your official age?
Drunkin,
It wouuld take an act of uncotrollabe weather to get me to delete a comment, so know feel free to show me up in any way you choose. Especially, if your actions would benefit the whole.
Don't worry about a thing, at least when you awake.
Wait wait, how come I get called out for posting a bazillion times on your site but Chud and Laurie can do so without reproach?
(trying for a new, whiney me)
And, Chud, what kind of woman would abhor a tool show??
Laurie - you don't like going to games???
Easy Meghan, thin ground your treading...
...and I will hand out suspensions, as a warning.
Yes, sir.
My apologies.
LOL--Rolligun-good show here on this blog.
laurie, i get what you're saying. i do, i truly do. but, for argument sake, let's say you and i are a couple. on the first date, i let it be known, that i, abhor a certain genre of movies, specifically french kung fu movies. you become somewhat dismayed because you, happen to be a huge lover of french kung fu movies. as the conversation progresses you mention that your father and mother used to ignore once every four years for weeks at a time during world cup soccer and thusly, you can't stand soccer or anything related to it. i however, love soccer and am a huge manchester united fan. (no i do not like soccer). now, with this kind of groundwork laid, why on earth would it be a good idea for you to ask me to watch french kung fu movies, or i to ask you to accompany me to a world cup game. or to even watch a game with me? i understand the desire to share things you're passionate about with someone you're passionate about, but, shit... sometimes you gotta respect their likes and dislikes.
rolli, for the record, i don't think i could upstage you. but now i want to try. just kidding.
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