ToothPastE

I like brushing my teeth. True it’s about hygiene but it also serves as a temporary “mindless task” which helps to aid in moments of reflection. Plus, I always feel like I’m racing someone or maybe I’m being timed. It’s fun. As is counting, but interestingly enough, alphabetizing isn’t. Eh, subjects for another time. Back to “toothpaste.” Another reason I like brushing is because I usually do it in the shower, this adds to my pleasure, and it’s safer, but I’ll come back to that. Anyway, to my knowledge, I have never been beaten in this event. Another interesting note is that I never brush my teeth the same way twice. I’ll start in different parts of my mouth and, without warning, will spontaneously switch to another location. My teeth are never prepared for this. My hand barely even knows what to expect. It keeps everyone honest. Sometimes I’ll employ a circular motion or maybe, for no reason whatsoever, decide that I’m adamantly concerned about one particular tooth and will proceed to violently scrub away at that one single spot. Not because of an assigned punishment, more than likely it’s because of a clot in my thought process, which serves to stunt my active behavior. In any case, it’s different every time, with no one brushing the same as another. Kind of like snowflakes.

However, there is a dark, unpredictable side to brushing. An erratic nuisance for which I have not determined a mechanism to avoid it. It’s called a “toothpaste stain” or something to that effect. I’ve always thought there was more serious name for this type of occurrence, but when I asked other people what they call it; they gave me weird looks that said “get out of the sun.” So as not to cause further alarm, I quickly started talking about weapons instead. They obviously don’t feel the same way I do. Anyway, we’ll call them toothpastes stains for lack of a better term.

The major issue with toothpaste stains is that they are temporarily un-removable. I don’t know why, and I have thought about it. But before I examine that topic any further, I want share the reasons for which they occur. This, I think I do know. I’ve determined that toothpaste stains are the result of one of three factors. The first two were mentioned in the beginning. One, I believe, is an inability to coordinate my motor skills. This happens when the neurons in my head are firing to fast for the messenger pony’s to deliver the instructions. For example, when attempting to switch to a new position in my mouth, the orders to prepare and execute are not received on time, and inevitably, you have a toothpaste stain. The second is when my distant but concurrent thought process I employ during brushing, stalls on one particular issue. I refer to this as a “clot.” My thoughts on this random query begin to gather and gather and eventually the puddle of thought is to much for the given moment and, yes…you guessed it, my thoughts spill over in the from of a toothpaste stain. I usually swear loudly when this happens, but it doesn’t help. The last way, is what I call an equipment malfunction. For example, I recently started using a new toothbrush. It’s one with the flexible head. Looks like a slinky. This toothbrush SUCKS. I feel like I’m brushing my teeth with a broken finger. It has soft bristles and I hate this toothbrush. I started using it because it was available and I change toothbrushes fairly often. But it’s a very misleading device and I have no idea why the research and development people from Hasbro, were hired on to develop dental tools. But they were, and with them came dated toy technology. This kind of toothbrush doesn’t work, but it looks like it would. Its lazy head causes problems similar to those that my leisurely messenger pony’s are accused of. That being poor coordination. However the pony’s have no control over this. This leads to lots of toothpaste stains on account of its slinky type design, which is erroneously marketed as a flexible head. Foolish consumers. Anyhow, those are the three main causes. I still have yet to figure out what it is about toothpaste stains that make them impossible to remove, but they are definitely a badge of idiocy that cannot be eliminated. I suggest you make no more mistakes for the rest of the day, because between the two of them, you are likely to never be respected again. So be careful.

I have one more hitch to add. This occurred to me when discussing the R&D developments in the toothbrush industry. It has to do with bristle tension. See, I prefer the ones with hard bristles. Although I’m not convinced they exist. I’m led to believe that a “hard” setting is available, but frustratingly enough, the hardest bristles I’ve seen on market are designated as “medium.” This suggests there is a hard option, but I’ve never seen one. The problem is further complicated by availability of a “soft”, but still no hard. I wish they would just say that no such toothbrush exists so I can save my self the immeasurable journey. However until they do, I will keep using the medium ones while on lookout for the elusive and most likely non-existent “hard” bristled toothbrush.

That’s pretty much covers the highs and low’s of brushing my teeth. Sometimes the things that are important to me are of no importance to others. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me and life is simply too hard. I won’t bother you with these troubles anymore.

WAIT…yes I will…

I have one other issue of major consequence that I think we should devote some time too. It happens when I prepare to transition my clothes for the “laundry process.” You see, when I get undressed, I have this habit of ripping of my clothes in reverse fashion, resulting in an abundance of inside out clothes. This is especially troublesome when it comes to socks. Now the short term gain is completely cancelled out when it comes time to putting my clothes back in wearable form. This is after removing them from the drying machine. This means that I have to re-invert every single article of clothing before I even start “folding”, as they say. This is a VERY time consuming and an unnecessary burden in life. But I fight like hell to keep myself from balling everything up and stuffing it into my dirty clothes bag. (It’s green with white draw strings.) The only thing that keeps me from doing that is the very likely possibility of me complimenting my wrinkly shirt with a large and unforgiving toothpaste stain. That would be completely unacceptable and would exceed the allotted number of blunders I’m afforded in any given day. So it is.

I think I started taking care of myself at too early of an age.

~Rolligun