"What is Important to You, part II"

Continued…

Jessica once told me that I was the most unemotional person she had ever known. That I was incapable of this and that. The truth was we were just too different in the wrong categories. Jess was a blast, always up to do anything, outgoing, a social butterfly. I loved that, she wasn’t afraid to do anything and could interject herself in any situation. But when it was just the two of us, things weren’t quite that smooth. This beautiful and spirited girl couldn’t believe in herself. She was entirely dependant and to my complete and utter bafflement, had no self esteem.

I once spent a Christmas party for my job at the time, consoling her in a parking lot for almost two hours while she cried because she was wearing a cardigan (I think?) with dress pants and all of the other girls there were in cocktail dresses or whatever. She looked great and I could have cared less about that party or anyone other than her for that matter. I was planning on quitting before the New Year anyway. It was all because she felt out of place, overwhelmed, unfit. It was that night that I realized I couldn’t help her anymore. What could I do?

If that is what she meant by emotion, then maybe she had a point. I don’t get embarrassed or overwhelmed. I don’t cry or loose control. But I don’t think those things make me unemotional.

By the time I was ten years old; I was washing my own clothes and preparing my own food. Nobody ever told me play sports or go to school. I bought my own car, paid for college, and everything else in between. I’ve had eleven addresses in the last eight years, in three different cities. A polar opposite compared to Jess, I’m ultra independent. To the point that it sometimes causes me to lose sight of other people. It’s a personal fault that I am well aware of. I try to slow down, be patient, and look through the eyes of others, but it wasn’t enough with her. We were just too different. Since I’ve been deployed, I miss only my dog and the freedom to make my own choices (Army doesn’t endorse that). Most of the soldiers here, they miss their families, friends, girlfriends and everything else. When I talk to them, I try to understand that, otherwise I can’t help with anything.

In the two months leading up to my ship out date, I was training at what was called a pre-mob site. We had been emailing and talking and made plans to get together my last weekend in the states. This was the only pass we got before we left. So I hitched some rides with people to meet some friends at my old college town. Spent the night with them and hit the bars. The next morning, I caught a ride up to the “Twin Cities” were Jess was living. We met and spent the rest of the time together at a nice hotel. It was about six months or so between the time we met and when we last saw each other. It took her a couple of hours and the first drink before she even looked me in the eye. Never did get that.

We went out to eat, to the bars, and I even rubbed her feet (something I don’t always do willingly, however very good at it) to the background of music, candles and wine. It was a good weekend. We talked about were she wanted to move, how to interview for jobs, money and car problems. Tell me if this is selfish (ahh…asking questions in a letter?) but she never asked about what I’ve been doing or more troubling yet, not one hint of a question about what kind of training I’ve done, where I was going or how I felt about it. That bothered me, and reminded me of part of our disconnect. Was I the selfish one?

The last day in the U.S., I was at some random Army airport, (at least it was a place my phone picked up service, it had been almost entirely useless for the previous two months) and just before I cancelled my service, I texted Jess to say good bye. It was about 530 in the morning, and she happened to be up because she couldn’t sleep. We exchanged a cute series of messages before I finally had to turn off my phone. She said, “I will be thinking of you…and blah, blah, blah…I will send you…blah” Then I didn’t hear from her for almost three months…till a week ago or so.

"RE: Imagine That "

Jess returns this email, and goes on to tell me about some stupid shit she did the other night at a birthday party, and how she wonders…“but socially, who am I” Are you fucking serious?!?, your done with high school and college, there are people blowing themselves up at historic rates, dying for their defenses, a world full of conflict and if nothing else, you have a life to assemble and take control of. Is that still is what’s important to you? We broke up because of distance, priorities and fundamental differences. What the hell is this belated and superficial email suppose to mean? My first response was to just email her back and I was gonna let her have it! Not in 18 months have I ever done that, just gone off and tell her what I really think. So there I am…about to purge my soul and let all the cats out of the bag!

The cursor blinks….and blinks…and I change my mind.

What did I want to do? She isn’t an emotionally stable person, and as hard as I tried, I failed to help Jessica. Who am I to tell her about every little thing that I think is wrong and how she’s this and that and doesn’t care about…whatever. It would probably make me feel good, temporarily, but would completely devastate and hurt her.

A few days later, I sent her an email thanking her for getting back to me. It included a stupid and jestful comment about her tales of blunder. It also included the only encouraging thing I could think of and still genuinely mean. I kept it short, but the only way I could capture my frustration with her was with a question.

“What is important to you?”

That was how I ended it, and I don’t imagine I will hear back from her for some time. That’s fine, we weren’t the right match, just able to play the part for a little while.

But then I thought about that question I asked her…and asked myself instead. Me, in all of my self-appointed glory, and just full of answers. Always knowing what I want and where to go…I had to think about it. And I struggled to come up with an intelligent answer. The more I thought, the farther away I got. If asked in a job interview or off the top of my head in the heat of a spontaneous street quiz, I could have come up with something. Something that would be good enough to qualify my fooled listener into believing I knew. But when I asked myself, honestly asked myself…I didn’t know how to answer it. The only thing I could come up with, was that I will know…someday.

So… “What is important to you?”

~Rollligun

What is important to you?

Haven’t posted in a few, sorry ‘bout that to my thousands of readers…things have just been stupid these last couple of days.


I received an email from my old girlfriend about a week ago and just sent my return reply. This was the first I’ve heard from her since I have been in country, almost three months now. She was responding to a group email that I had sent out to my friends. I don’t necessarily give her full credit for the gesture, based on that. I actually hate group emails, but started writing them because of a time vs. numbers problem. But now I occasionally write a completely random email that hopes to be funny and is otherwise intended to let people know… “Hey, still alive, still here.” Entertainment and attendance all in one. I introduced this new and infrequent habit, with what else, but a group email about why I hate group emails, and then sent it out to everyone I know (see past post on “dissertation”). Yeah, that post was originally an email until I transformed into an edited blogger post. I imagine that is some sort of blog violation, sorry for the deviance that you were unable to detect. My whole point is that’s how she finally chose to contact me, to say what’s up, by responding to a group email. Sorry, but that doesn’t count for much. Not in my book.

Anyway, we broke up several weeks before I got my orders, for reasons unrelated to the future in the desert. We were together for about a year and our once avid union had been reduced to irrelevant long distance quarrelling. Even before our split, I had already known (just unofficially) that I was gonna be activated. It was one of a quiet factor in support of my role of our split. I never shared that knowledge with Jessica, that I was most likely going to be activated in the spring. She never asked me about it either, “do you think you will get activated?” not once. (I sometimes use to wonder if she knew whether or not the world was bigger than the just places her car took her) The next “drill” I went too, we were officially placed on stop-loss and that whole deal. The good part was, we had about four months to prepare. That cushion of time was both a rare and fortunate luxury. Not to keep referencing past blog posts, but my whole demeanor changed. All steps with a new direction. Some of it was an effect of no longer sharing something good with Jess, but our best days had already passed us anyway. Mostly, I just wanted to change my purpose. Prepare for the day I would close the door for the last time, take off the tie and pick up a weapon. They gave us a date, could even find it on a calendar if I needed too. I placed aside whatever charm I had and didn’t date anyone else after that. Wasn’t important to me anymore.

Wow, this is turning into a blathering mess, I will try to get back to the point of the title…tomorrow.

Because I said so...

Based on what I can remember in my history of auditory comprehension, that single paraphrased answer to my questions, “because I said so” is the second most frustrating thing I have ever heard. The first and forever reigning king of “frustrating answers” is and always will be …“no.” But that’s a whole different essay. This one is devoted to number two. As you get older, that kind of response to your concerns becomes less and less acceptable. With a growing sense of comprehension, people learn how to better articulate their objections and thereby force the eloquently lazy authoritarian into providing an acceptable explanation.

Me: “Why do I have to tell all of my guys that we need to start walking backwards and begin meowing at the introduction of our sentences?”

Leader: “Because I make the rules, and what I say, goes. It is your job to carry out my orders, not to question them”

That type of response is simply a glorified version of the title, however still equally frustrating.

The exasperating fact of the matter is, that’s true and is commonly understood to be a sufficient answer to anybody’s questions. Even in the event that an explanation is granted. As a sergeant, I don’t have the ability to question the orders of my officers, assuming they are legal. It is my job to carry out and enforce the intent of my leaders.

But that’s not quite the end of it, the trouble continues when it’s my turn to convey this message to my troops.

Me: “meow…alright guys, you all have to go turn your uniforms inside out.”
Troops: “Are you serious?”
Me: “meow…afraid so.”
Troops: “Why do we have to do that?”
Me: “cough,cough” (hairball) “…because…err… (ah fuck it)…because I said so”

Actually, I never quite default to that ordinary of an answer when asked for one because I can appreciate how unfulfilling it is. Unfortunately, I often times am left only with the option of A.) telling it how it is or B.) glorifying my own bullshit reply. I always choose the former, even if it is the sarcastic form of the latter. They get the point, and either laugh at me or grudgingly accept the answer. Anything to keep them from looking at me like I just flew in on a cow.

The whole point of the passage is to illustrate my frequent dilemma when acting as the messenger/enforcer in the chain of command. It’s actually quite difficult, especially when I, myself, don’t see the reason or value behind something, but I need to present it with as much strength and validity as I can. If I can’t do it in a genuine matter, then I am forced to be creative en route to arousing motivation and enthusiasm. More on this subject in the future. It’s a daily affair. Consider it part one. If this conclusion doesn’t provide you with any resolution as to what my point was, then let me rephrase it for you.

“This is my point because that’s what I said it was.”

~Rolligun

Umm.....who am I to speak

Seriously, based on my postings to this point I would not blame you if you don't actually think I am serving in a war. I myself don't always feel that way.

Anyway I am sitting here at a computer ("no shit") intently focused on how to arrange this blog and read the news and check boxscores all at the same time. I never do only one thing at time...remember this deficiancy. So as focused as I am on my own world, I am approached by a younger enlisted soldier who is conserned about an old girlfriend. We discuss what would constitute "stalker"behavior (he somehow wanted to find out if she was lieing to him about living with another dude) how to get closure and how to otherwise deal with girls.

The first thought to cross my mind, apart from transitioning from my own interests to now actually helping someone else was..."in all my history of infinate brilliance, how can this kid possibley think I am qualified to help?" If only he knew the stupid shit I sometimes do like unessecarly burn bridges because I won't sacrafice my pride or send emails to old relationships (see november 16?) or hell, I can can on and on, but it's just not the subject of this post.

Whatever, he isn't standing in front of me with this drousy look of concern becuase he wants to hear about how little I have to offer, he wants something, a voice, support, if not the golden solution to his problems. Well I'll give it go and see what happens...

I can always empathize, if not acutally help, so I will start with an understanding...

He has no other outlet or replacement stimuli (other girls) to help divert his undying focus on the old girlfriend. That's a problem of being so far away from the home you know. The girl he is dealing with sounds like she has no clue what she wants, changes her mind from day to day and has unrealistic expectations of him(How common is this?). Such as, "it's me or the Army" she tells him. What kind of request is that?, you can't just put a two week notice in. I can see the difficultly someone would have in relating to another that harbors this foundation of logic. (Good luck, dude)

Anyway, he wants to know first off if having a friend determine if she is living with someone would qualify him as a stalker? I tell him that there is two answers to this one, take your pick. The first is, "this is obviously of great concern to you and there is fear that she may be lieing." So in order to establish some piece of mind enroute to closure, I would say go ahead and have someone investigate. However, if it takes an effort of anything greater than telling someone to "walk around the block" then forget it. That would approach unreasonable behavior, kind of like slowing down for a yellow light. The second school thought, a"Dr. Laura" sort of answer is that it is simply none of your business and she has whatever rights entitled to her as not being your girlfriend.

However, I suggest option one. (At this point the young trooper needs answers, not textbook theory")

Well I will skip several parts of the discussion so I can bring this passage to a relative conclusion.
Mostly, he was full of heartache and misdirection. This young lass was good at her craft and he had absolutely no idea what to make of her actions. He complained intensely about the things she would do and the different languages she spoke in (all versions of English).

I asked him what he wanted. The head sunk and the shoulders shrugged. O.K. then, you have more options. Each one is dependat on figuring out yourself first.

(I really don't give out advice, sometimes I just tend to give my answers in the form of a "multiple choice test" Takes away the burden of error, from me, I think)

1. You can find out if she lied to you and send her a big "Fuck You!" type of letter and hope that it closes the book or finally sends the message that you want truth and clarity, if the two of you are ever to speak again. (I didn't pitch this option with any enthusiasm as it is quite immature and not very productive. Just one way to go.)

2. Ignore the fact that she may have lied to you and make a well disciplined and conscious effort to change your intentions. He still cared for her, so I told him he could just stay in touch but skip all the emotional crap and simply stick to chatter. Basically, it is a more practical application of option one. You simply stop being the subservant lamb by removing your desire to please her (sends same message) but at the same time you remain supportive and humane. Also captured by being "indifferent" to her actions. (I recommended this approach with a little more sway)

3. Decide what it is that you really want. It didn't really seem as though this was the girl of his dreams, I think his emotions were intensified because of distance. If you want to be with her, you have to achieve an extreem level of patience and support from over here. If your not so sure, than tell her goodbye and wish her luck.

Option three kind of seemed like the way to go. We were able to determine that she has excessive attention needs and fear of loss issues. I am not pyscologist, but intuition is one of my strenghts. Anyway, I just found found out I have go so I am gonna wrap this up right quick and apolojize for not bringing closure (or spell check) to this posting. We talked for about half hour and he thanked me at the end. That was cool. It's one of the roles I do have, over here, that I enjoy. All of my "couseling" responsibilities. Some of it unofficial, but I'll help where I can. My LT complains that I do too much non-millitary stuff with my troops, but I don't see it that way. Everything I do is in some way meant to improve the personal welfare of the individual, which will always help the function of the mission, even if it is indirect. There is plenty of people here who concern themselves only with what is printed as an Army regulation. I try to bring balance and variety. That' my unofficial job as I describe it.

Discontent

I have been in the Army for almost six years and this is the first time I have been deployed. When I first got my orders, my attitude was pretty much, “whatever, it’s time to go.” I took an oath and now it’s my turn. Up to that point, I was focusing on my post graduate career and trying to balance a long distance relationship, unsuccessfully. Once the orders came, my “personal clock” kind of stopped and from then on out, every breath I took was supported by a feeling of urgency and importance. My smiles a bit shorter and laughs a little quieter. It wasn’t because I was afraid or upset in anyway, it was because I was becoming focused.

On the front end, the attention I had applied to my career filtered a bit. My bar time was earlier. I took longer walks with my dog and began working out a bit harder. As childish as it is, I even started to watch war movies. On the back end, the priorities in my life and things I had neglected, now were coming to the surface. This was all part of my coping process, to find piece and satisfaction with where I was and prepare for the future I would have. It was an important and methodical transition for me. To prepare for anything.

I spent the entire summer training for convoy operations, force security and weapons, among other things. We never knew from day to day were we would be stationed or what our mission would be. It got to the point that no one in our company ever asked that question. It was mute, always changing and never known. If any friends or family of mine had ever asked that question, it would take me by surprise because it just wasn’t a something I was consciously aware of. Where am I going, what will I do? It was all wake up and train.

That was up until about two months ago, when we hit “boots on the ground.” I ended up in Kuwait, and as of yet, I haven’t left this country. My mission and the purpose I serve, isn’t really anything to speak of. I try to tell myself, that I should feel lucky. That in the Army, you are not allowed to choose your missions, that everything is inclusive and therefore important.

Well fuck all of that. I just can’t convince myself of that train of thought. Not for the expectations I have or the way I prepared myself. This won’t cut it. I have been trying to volunteer for new missions, but those opportunities (from were I am) are scarce. My LT keeps saying how he needs me where I am. Even goes so far as to say that my ambition is offensive to him as an officer, something like not wanting serve with him or whatever. Alright, as touching as that is, Sir, it doesn’t mean anything to me. This is not what I trained for or how I want to serve.

On the bright side I have only been here a couple months, so hopefully I will figure out a way to change my role.

I haven’t been in Iraq, and for any readers of this blog, who were looking for a glimpse of that environment, you should check out Chairborne Stranger it’s a good site, well written and provocative.

~Rolligun

Conundrum of a Hypocrite...

I am not much of fan when it comes to group emails. It’s not that often that I say to myself,

“Oh yea! This email is important enough for everyone to read. I just don’t seem to like it when someone has something for only me to know.”

This of course is not true; I am way too selfish to ever feel that way.

The problem begins with having too many people to talk to and “group email” being the habitually chosen recourse. The social default is finding the easiest way to say hello to as many people as you can and as effortlessly as possible. But all too often the reader is left unsatisfied with your attempt because it failed to invoke a personal appeal. Life was easier when you could just use the hallway between classes to get these multiple greetings across. But as time passes by, so does the opportunity to use your hallways. Therefore as people get older they begin to become more selective when it comes to extending these greetings and keeping in touch. This is based on the reality that the opportunity to greet is less frequent and communication therefore becomes more difficult. Unless an increase in one’s effort is applied. But realistically speaking, the implied result is less communication with the people we know as we get older. Consequently, “group emails” are then used as a remedy; however this only leads to confusion surrounding this ineffective and impersonal concept of compound correspondence. This “problem” is suppose to be avoided as technology evolves, but as you read you will see that it doesn’t work that way.

Today’s propensity is to say hello by sending an email, not a phone call. Or to even go further back, when was the last time you wrote a letter to someone? At one time, I will remind you, getting the mail did include more excitement than escorting your findings to the garbage and cursing your creditors. Nevertheless, email has its own flaws. The one I am concerned with is this idea of sending “group emails” to continue relationships. “Group emails” are inherently flawed when used for this purpose because they contradict their intended desire of sending a personal message, which is the principle of any genuine greeting. Let’s examine some of these other methods before we come back to “group emails.” We’ll do this in a chronological order of two, considering their place in evolution.

The postal service, as exhausting as it is, is at least less deceiving when it comes to determining who the message was meant for. For example, if a letter was meant for several readers, one could quickly identify that letter’s intentions by reading the heading on the envelope. It might say something like “To the Kensington Household” (use pompous tone). That type of courtesy would save you the disappointment of realizing that you are in fact not special. But not “group emails”, they set you up! It’s only after that moment of anticipation followed by the three seconds you invest, waiting for time to process, are you able to determine that you are of no consequence to its contents. I asked earlier, “When was the last time you wrote a letter?” Under what circumstances would someone determine that their salutatory assignment requires the combined attention of pen, paper, stamp and envelope? It just isn’t practical without that applied effort, also mentioned earlier. Especially considering the convenience of sending everyone you know a once written electronic hello. Writing letters doesn’t commonly solve this problem because, evidently, no one does it anymore.

Telephone calls at first were easy and personal however they presented a questionable risk to the receiver. Until caller ID was introduced, one had no idea if the call was even for them. This was very problematic. Not only were you never intended to be a part of the transaction, but now you have inherently volunteered to be tasked with taking a message or locating the desired listener. That scenario is on par with stubbing your toe. The only thing worse than that is “stubbing your toe” on piece of furniture that you never wanted to talk to in the first place. For example, answering the phone call on your “sick day” only to end up fielding questions from your boss is a different set of problems unrelated to the disappointment of receiving a generally written message to the public. Caller ID was able to solve that problem; however cell phones came to ruin that mechanism for defense, because by definition, you are expected to always be able to answer. So eventually people buy caller ID, purchase answering machines, and turn off their cell phones all in a tactical effort to filter communication. Saying hello by virtue of a telephone also doesn’t work anymore.

I realize the tone of this grammatical mess is beginning to discuss a problem of social behavior, to which I am unqualified to speak. So I will stop this impending digression and steer myself back to the problem of receiving a generally written email for several that evokes absolutely no curiosity or interest from anything other than a “spell check function.” Imagine ten disillusioned faces scanning a computer screen versus the meticulous interest under which “spell check” would evaluate your document.

So how can one person both effectively and effortlessly stay in touch with as many people as possible? Unfortunately, I don’t know. I have spent most of my time concluding that “group emails” are nothing more than a generically driven effort, kind of like winning one dollar on a lottery ticket. You remain unfulfilled and somewhat confused as to whether you should be excited or rather insulted, for winning your dollar. That is why I don’t like them and will avoid sending out community greetings. I will acknowledge that they do solve part of the problem, that being the numerical side. Nevertheless, I still haven’t sent out very many emails or greetings since my deployment. As one might do in a hallway. With that said I will take group emails as an oppurtunity to correct my lack of communication, without any remorse for sending impartial messages.


~Rolligun

...and so it is, a Conundrum of a Hypocrite.

To Tell on Myself

I recently took up one of the most misguided ventures of human behavior.

Contacting old flames.

From every possible point of view, this is not an intelligent move. Under no circumstances would a proud and confident person choose to toil in the past and attempt to regenerate old feelings or otherwise resurrect the dead.

This common undertaking by no means results from a moment of spontaneity, unless drugs or alcohol are involved. It would have to take a conscious effort to prepare and implement any final decisions from one’s inner monologue. I imagine people who do this fall into one of three categories.

1. Self denial…one looks for approval of their existence instead of confronting interpersonal challenges. This could also qualify as an ego feed, where by said individual wants to see if they still matter or have influence in the lives of others.
2. Mid life whining…one is at a crossroads of indirection and is looking for answers to questions they aren’t aware of.
3. Been gone awhile and haven’t talked to any females in some time.

(This was hardly a scientific explanation for behavior)

I fall into the third. There is 12,000 miles between me and my old stomping grounds. Actually, I move quite often, so familiar grounds don't really apply. But I hope you get the point.
I justify my actions based on the principals of geography.

So far I have been emailing…

…a girl who I dated three years ago, never trusted and ended on abrupt terms at my disposal. Still don’t trust her or would ever want to date her again, so why did I make contact?
She was perfect in so many ways. Except for those nagging tendencies to be manipulative, controlling and deceitful. Other than all that…she was a keeper.

…a girl who I never actually did date, but has a habit of including me in her mass grouping of emails. I hate group emails and will explain this further at a later date. She was one of the most pleasent and caring people I have ever known. Anyway, we use to have a cute flirty thing at a common place of employment back in the day, but nothing ever happened. Nor have I ever responded to one of those group emails of her’s of over the past two years! Until last month. Not sure what I am trying to do with this one either.

…a girl who I just recently dated for awhile (almost a year) and spent my last weekend in the states with, (not together at the time) before being activated. This I suppose makes a little more sense, however, we have only been apart for six months or so at the date of the occasion and there may not have been enough time for our separation to mature and therefore cause confusion. Haven’t been in contact with her just recently, but I am trying to be rationale about this one. I will probably reference this relationship in the future as well. It had some interesting virtues.

Anyway, I am not sure what I am trying to accomplish and there is no logical reasoning behind these efforts. I just know that these types of actions would be entirely unacceptable if it wasn’t for geography. I hope that counts.

~Rolligun

Where I Am Coming From...

Not sure how to kick this whole thing off, but to me it would make sense to give it a little bit of foundation. I am kind of excited about this new venture, I have never done anything like it. Anyway, I am currently stationed overseas in Kuwait, in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom as a SGT in the Army Reserve. Well now active army of course. My mission is quite an uneventful one, and as much as I would like to dazzle you with stories of adventure and heroism, I have none.

(So far anyway, hoping to fulflill my need in having something worth speaking of to my grand kids...one day.)

This is a source of disillusionment for me, because I am not serving in the capacity that I want too. However, in the Army you don’t get to choose your missions. I am trying to change this trend, unsuccessfully, for now. It is what it is. More on this topic in the future. I won’t quite share my views on foreign policy and otherwise politics at this point, but I will give you a glimpse of my direction on the issue. I think we picked up the wrong map. But even when you’re lost you can’t take back a wrong turn. You have to keep driving to find your way. This is no different.

(Any hypocrisy to note?)


Time is short and so is my first posting, but alas "Mission Complete." Besides, I am not sure how devoted I will become to this new endeavor. Even a simple email is likely to produce unpredicatable results, from me. Needless to say, I will save my words for tomorrow, figurtively speaking, I imagine.